Funny Gambling One Liners
Laughter is good for you. The following is our hand picked collection of 50 of the funniest one line quotes that is sure to leave you in splits. These quotes are not only funny, they are also pretty clever. So enjoy!
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- Most of us aren't stand-up comedians, and we don't walk around with a full repertoire of funny jokes to share at parties. That's why it's helpful to have a good one-liner in your back pocket. A reliable joke never fails to break the ice during social interactions, and goodness knows some of us can use all the help we can get in those situations!
- Laughter is good for you. The following is our hand picked collection of 50 of the funniest one line quotes that is sure to leave you in splits. These quotes are not only funny, they are also pretty clever. Now if only I could teach him to play fetch! “If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur!” ― anonymous.
So, ‘Never take life seriously, no one gets out alive’ is an oft-heard and good one-liner that inspires people to be positive about life and makes you laugh. Also See: Epic Sarcastic and Bitchy Quotes. In this article, we shall read some really funny and sarcastic quotes that will help you see why life should always be taken with a pinch of. Please sit back and enjoy this collection of (mostly) funny jokes and one-liners relating to Gambling, Sports Betting, Casino Games and everything in between Let’s start proceedings with some.
“If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur!” ― anonymous
“Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” ― Colleen Hoover
“A politician is someone who promises a bridge even when there’s no water” ― Gregory David Roberts
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” ― Lawrence Ferlinghetti
“The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun” – Stephen Colbert
“Surely after a milkshake has been shaken, shouldn’t it be called a milkshook?” ― Leo M
“Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.” ― Kurt Vonnegut
“The important thing to remember is not to forget” ― Benny Bellamacina
“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” ― Jerry Seinfeld
Funny Gambling One Liners Jokes
“Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.” ― Marian Keyes
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” ― George Carlin
“No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it” ― Fernando Pessoa
“Money can’t buy love, except on Valentine’s Day.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo
“I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.” ― Karl Pilkington
“Vegetables – what food eats before it becomes food.” ― David Weber
“When it comes to emotions, women know how to paint with the full set of oils, while men are busy doodling with crayons.” ― Hank Moody
“If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?” ― Regina Griffin
“Water is the most essential element in life, because without it you can’t make coffee.” ― Karen Salmansohn
“Although life and I are not always in love with each other, we do remain on close speaking terms.” ― Brian Randleas Harmony
“Beauty lies in the LIES of the beholder!” ― Ashok Kallarakkal
“If you worry about missing the boat, remember the Titanic!” ― Sid Bolon
“I consider myself to be pretty normal, in an insane kind of way…” ― Gerri R. Gray
“Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep.” ― Charles M. Schultz
“If the pen is mightier than the sword, a sharpie must be plain deadly!” ― Tom Althouse
“The early bird catches the worm, but what about the early worm?” – Anonymous
“The literal meaning of life is whatever you’re doing that prevents you from killing yourself.” ― Albert Camus
“He who laughs last … just didn’t get the joke.” ― Carroll Bryant
“All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.” ― Carl White
“Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.” ― Addison C. Arthur
“Holidays were invented so single women could overeat without feeling guilty.” ― Elizabeth Jane Howard
“A signature always reveals a man’s character, and sometimes even his name.” ― Evan Esar
“I’m not Weird I’m Limited Edition!” ― Aliaha Brown
“My favorite quote in the world is this one.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich
“Salad isn’t food. Salad is what food eats.” ― Sariah Wilson
“If you drink anymore, you’re going to be positively flammable.” ― Michaela Haze
“I just looked at the calendar and realized – my days are numbered” ― Johnny Moscato
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.” ― James Denton
“An apple a way keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough” – Stephen Colbert
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.” ― Robert Brault
“The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.” ― Lance Manion
“Chicken salad with egg in it is very interesting way to eat two generations.” ― Fuad Alakbarov
“Do flat-earthers believe that other planets are also flat?” ― Oliver Markus Malloy
“Life before toilet paper was not worth living.” ― Sherrilyn Kenyon
“An atheist is a person who has nobody to blame when he screws up.” ― Fakeer Ishavardas
“Whenever you fall, always pick something up.” ― Avery
“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” ― George Carlin
“I went to buy a candle holder but the store did not have one, so I brought a cake.” – Mitch Hedberg
“This jacket is dry clean only, which means it’s dirty.” – Mitch Hedberg
“I could be a morning person — but only if morning started at noon!” ― Carol Storm
“Don’t waste water on washing your shirt, use photoshop!” ― EverSkeptic
“I remixed a remix and it became normal again.” – Mitch Hedberg
If you are reading this, you definitely seem to have enjoyed these quotes. Do let us know which one was your most favorite quote that made you laugh out loud.
Check out our collection of funny gambling jokes. We are sure they will make you laugh. If you have any gambling jokes as good, upload them at the bottom of this page.
1) I just bet £100 at the bookies that they would find Maddie, at 1000-1 odds. That way, if they ever do find her, I’ll be able to afford a fucking good lawyer.
Check out Really Funny Lawyer Jokes
2) Chuck-E-Cheese, because it’s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling.
3) My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.
4) Poker is like sex – everyone thinks they’re the best, but most people don’t have a clue what they’re doing. Dutch Boyd
Check out Really Funny Sex Jokes
5) What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? In a casino, you really mean it.
6) A blond girl playing freeroll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. Her friend asked her with surprise, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I am just slow-playing aces!”
Check out some of the funniest Dumb Blonde Jokes ever
7) Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle? Because there were too many cheetahs.
8) They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money’s on Dave.
Check out Really Funny Money Jokes
9) What did the giraffe say to the tiger at the poker table? I thought you were a cheetah.
10) What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years, the dog quits whining.
Check out Really Funny Animal Jokes
11) Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.
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12) Sign you might have a poker addiction: your kids are named check and raise.
13) I put a thousand pounds on a horse. The fucking thing collapsed.
Check out some of the best Horse Jokes ever published
14) Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.
15) “I am looking for the book named ‘How to win easily and fast with poker.'” “Please check at the fantastic literature counter.”
16. Husband Comes Home After Gambling
I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
“Where the fuck have you been?” screamed my wife.
I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”
“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”
“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”
17. Professional Gambler Screws Everyone In The Bar
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”
The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”
The guy pulled out a huge wad of notes and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.
“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.
The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”
“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.
“Like what?” asked the bartender.
“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.
The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.
Funny Gambling One Liners Near Me
The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.
“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whisky bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whisky bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”
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Related Links: 1. Gambling Jokes from Sickipedia.org 2. Gambling Jokes from Jokes4us.com